No more words-

"I am afraid."

I used to believe that God was all about fixing my life;

working it out for good; enabling everything to come together.

I don't not believe that, but I don't believe it the same (and simple) way I once did.

My experience in life has taught me differently.

I believe that God will be with me - meeting my needs in the moment as necessary (most often through my own abilities, understanding, and deep-down, intuitive knowledge, as well as through my relationships with others) but not necessarily working out some pre-ordained plan that assures my safety and security.

In my best moments, this isn't upsetting.

It's growth and maturity.

But most of the time - not just in adolescence - growth and maturity is painful.

And it makes me afraid.

Really?

Is God not going to swoop down and make sense of everything?

Is God not going to give me an "answer"?

Is God not going to fix it all?

Is God not going to make the plan perfectly clear - one that will assure my security,

meet all my (temporal) needs, and make me peaceful and comfortable?

I'm afraid not.

I'm afraid.

Who is this new, more complex, and un-understandable God?
If this God isn't about my happiness then what?
And ultimately, will I trust this God?

Maybe my fear is a way of calling me to acknowledge that God has shown up - awe-full, frightening and right in front of me; that I am worthy of being met by and seen by God
I am afraid. And I am deeply humbled.

What would it mean for me to more frequently consider, understand, and experience my relationship with God in a present-passive way? What if the action (or verb) I defaulted toward was one of "happening right now and to me, not because of me?" There are a number of ways this could be applied. Here are some quick examples:
Jesus prays for me - right now and not dependent on my effort, work, or worthiness.
Jesus loves me - right now and not because of my perfection.
Jesus is with me - right now and not because I'm worthy of such or have even asked.
Jesus takes care of me - right now and not dependent on my self-care, worry, or even stewardship.

Our Father
You are in the heaven of my heart
Even when it seems to be a hell;
Hallowed be your name,
May it be called upon
In the deadline stillness of my perplexed silence;
To us come your kingdom
When all abandons us;
Your will be done
Even if it kills us because it is life,
And what seems like a setting on earth
In the rising of your life in heaven;
Give us this day our daily bread—Let us ask for this also
That we never mistake ourselves for you,
Not even in the hour when you are near us,
Rather, at least by our hunger,
We notice that we are poor and our idols meager;
Free us from our guilt
And protect us during all temptation
Which is actually only one;
Not believing in you
And the incomprehensibility of your love;
But deliver us—Deliver us from ourselves,
Deliver us unto you,
Deliver us into your freedom and into your life

amen and amen

(i hope this wasn't too deep, I am just contemplative w/mike being gone its like I am shaken to the core and have to find what I hold dear)

A Few questions for God

Many of you know that I believe in the bible, but I have just a few questions for God when I get a chance to talk with him in person... Afterall the bible says "Everything good and perfect gift from comes above.... and in another place it says that God created everything (paraphrased)

But I might have some issues? I am packing to go to Chicago and was checking weather.com It said 80 degrees thunder storms and 70% humidity. Now that sounds "steamy" to me. Why do we need humidity? To breed small icky bugs that bite and make people itch? To make people sweat? I am curious, just how does someone who lives in an arrid climate pack for 70% humidity? Doesn't sound fun to me?

Then I would like to sit down and talk with the person who decided it was cheaper for me to fly 3020 miles tomorrow to get to Chicago for the least amt of money. We leave the Big Lew and go to Salt Lake, from there we sprint to our plane for a 23 minute connection to fly to Atlanta. From Atlanta we fly back to Chicago. I think someone was sick in the head the day they thought that was cheaper than, Lewiston-Salt Lake-Chicago. (Don't tell me its my fault I booked the ticket, I took what was suggested by the airline)

I will be roaming the convention center in Chicago for the next few days with Mom and Debbie. We will be at Summer CHA ordering product for Fall/Christmas. (Trapper is going to stay with his new friends at WSU in the hospital while we are gone so mom doesn't have to worry, btw, it was starvation that sent him there, 2 more hours at my folks and they said he would have died. Its not that mom wasn't feeding him correctly the people we purchased him failed to tell my mom he needed formula for 4 more months. He is doing well now although mom says his personality isn't great since he would rather we home than at the hospital)

If you think about it pray for us. Pray for safe travels, for our families while we are gone, and for us to make good business decisions. Our store is Rockin' and we want to keep up the momentum, if you have already talked to God about my questions feel free to reply, I am sure you have a million or so ponderings of your own.