more on my life..... (caution tough thoughts)

Not really into learning right now. In fact if I could take a few steps back I would. I have been thinking about how this summer has shaken me and my reactions are so different that what I typically might say or do.

This week I have had words with my brother, he said something that hurt, he didn't realize how badly. (I can count on one hand the fights we have had in the last 20 years.) But in my current emtional state I reacted, I was hurt, I was sad, to top it off he told my mom, that makes me more mad. He has no idea how complicated my life is, how many plates I keep up in the air at one time and how many people I have to make happy. I know that he didn't intend to hurt me but what he said isn't easily taken back. I can forgive him but I also choose to just not be engaged. The worst part is, we planned a family vacation soon to the beach and it was the first time I would see him in over a year and probably not again for a year. (we never gone that long in this lifetime, we are have grown up a very closeknit family)

I had words with mike, it was a misunderstanding over the phone, its so hard to call him and to talk about things that I need to discuss. Although he is in a mental hospital working through life things, he has it pretty easy, he is told when to eat, when to sleep, how to feel and given plenty of meds to cope with life. I on the other hand am working, two jobs, raising a daughter, wondering about a son who is away right now, dealing with ill parents, two businesses, a very sick aunt (who is my one and only) and trying to keep it all going. I have friends that are hurting and whom I would like to be a "friend too," ... and yet I get tired. I get frustrated, I am spent.

I am battling insurance companies, doctor's offices, and trying to get into a new schedule as a single parent of a daughter who refuses to drive a car.

It rocks my faith, I am trying to understand on a spiritual level/my view of God... I think God can take it and isn't surprised by all of this, He can handle every emotion, He knows when I cry at nite so no one will hear, when I can't sleep worrying about the details, where there will be enough money to keep going or how we will pay yet more bills. At times I want to scream when I am driving down the road, and ask God WHY? WHY don't you just heal him? Why don't you just come in and do it; so we can go on living? I hear from people around me I am so strong, but they just don't see it, I am angry, I am sad, I want to turn my back and run from God and from the world, I am just so hurt that this is the life I am living. But I think that I am beginning to understand that God can handle it, that when I have nothing left to offer to say, then where is my faith? What is my definition of trust? This is not necessarily what I thought Trust was... I thought that Trust was going to mean that things turned out the way that I thought they should, when maybe now TRUST should mean believing that someone (God) is going to be with you no matter what the road is doing in front of you or behind you. I have to TRUST His promises though I don't feel like He's there........

more to come....