No more words-

"I am afraid."

I used to believe that God was all about fixing my life;

working it out for good; enabling everything to come together.

I don't not believe that, but I don't believe it the same (and simple) way I once did.

My experience in life has taught me differently.

I believe that God will be with me - meeting my needs in the moment as necessary (most often through my own abilities, understanding, and deep-down, intuitive knowledge, as well as through my relationships with others) but not necessarily working out some pre-ordained plan that assures my safety and security.

In my best moments, this isn't upsetting.

It's growth and maturity.

But most of the time - not just in adolescence - growth and maturity is painful.

And it makes me afraid.

Really?

Is God not going to swoop down and make sense of everything?

Is God not going to give me an "answer"?

Is God not going to fix it all?

Is God not going to make the plan perfectly clear - one that will assure my security,

meet all my (temporal) needs, and make me peaceful and comfortable?

I'm afraid not.

I'm afraid.

Who is this new, more complex, and un-understandable God?
If this God isn't about my happiness then what?
And ultimately, will I trust this God?

Maybe my fear is a way of calling me to acknowledge that God has shown up - awe-full, frightening and right in front of me; that I am worthy of being met by and seen by God
I am afraid. And I am deeply humbled.

What would it mean for me to more frequently consider, understand, and experience my relationship with God in a present-passive way? What if the action (or verb) I defaulted toward was one of "happening right now and to me, not because of me?" There are a number of ways this could be applied. Here are some quick examples:
Jesus prays for me - right now and not dependent on my effort, work, or worthiness.
Jesus loves me - right now and not because of my perfection.
Jesus is with me - right now and not because I'm worthy of such or have even asked.
Jesus takes care of me - right now and not dependent on my self-care, worry, or even stewardship.

Our Father
You are in the heaven of my heart
Even when it seems to be a hell;
Hallowed be your name,
May it be called upon
In the deadline stillness of my perplexed silence;
To us come your kingdom
When all abandons us;
Your will be done
Even if it kills us because it is life,
And what seems like a setting on earth
In the rising of your life in heaven;
Give us this day our daily bread—Let us ask for this also
That we never mistake ourselves for you,
Not even in the hour when you are near us,
Rather, at least by our hunger,
We notice that we are poor and our idols meager;
Free us from our guilt
And protect us during all temptation
Which is actually only one;
Not believing in you
And the incomprehensibility of your love;
But deliver us—Deliver us from ourselves,
Deliver us unto you,
Deliver us into your freedom and into your life

amen and amen

(i hope this wasn't too deep, I am just contemplative w/mike being gone its like I am shaken to the core and have to find what I hold dear)